Saying goodbye to the band that saved my life

I hate the ending, myself
But it started with an alright scene

— My Chemical Romance, “Disenchanted”

Trying to articulate my feelings re: the recent (and abrupt) announcement that My Chemical Romance has called it quits is a difficult task. Actually, that’s an understatement. It’s a damn-near impossible task. I don’t really have words to express the conflicting emotions I’m feeling and I’m not sure that I ever will.

It’s always been difficult for me to articulate my feelings toward MCR, and all I can say about the split is that I’m genuinely sad. It’s an ache and it hurts and it sucks. No amount of mourning playlists will help; I’m always going to miss the excitement of new music from this band. I feel a little bit lost, truth be told, and I haven’t decided if that’s a little bit pathetic or not. (I don’t know if it matters.)

Music is a huge, huge part of my life. (Yeah, where have we heard that before? Oh, everywhere. I know. But listen.) I can honestly say that without the influence and presence of certain bands on and in my life, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. To be frank, I’m not sure I’d even be here today. Yeah, I’m one of those girls; MCR saved my life.

MCRMy Chemical Romance (and Bright Eyes, for those at home keeping track) came into my life when I was a freshman in high school, lost as hell and clinging to the people I thought would be my friends forever. (Some of those people still are my friends, and I love them to death; the rest of them, I miss, but it’s in a vague way, like a wisp of memory that I can’t quite grasp with the same emotional intensity I once did.) Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge provided me with an out that I never knew I would need, growing up. I went to some really terrible mental and emotional places during that time in my life and MCR’s lyrics pulled me out; tracks like “Helena” and “The Ghost of You” kept me sane on long, awful nights.

The Black Parade did the exact same thing. “Famous Last Words” is still my go-to power anthem when I need a pick-me-up, a boost of confidence. That song makes me feel like I’m flying and falling all at once — it makes me believe, truly, that everything is going to work out the way I want.

Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (a review of which you can read here, on my old blog) came into my life at a point when I felt on track and happy, immersed in myself and my dreams in a way I had never been before. My Chemical Romance has always been there for me, in the most intense of ways. For as many times as I’ve been mocked or ridiculed or laughed at for my love for this band, I’ve always had MCR. I’ve always been able to go to their music regardless of my mood and know that coming out of a listening party, I’d be happier for it.

Now, I won’t have that anymore. Or, I will, but not with anything new. I’ll have four albums for the rest of my life, and that’s it.

That’s a really weird feeling.

I’ll be 23 years old in May and I’ve been listening to My Chemical Romance since I was 14 years old. That’s nearly a decade of listening to and relying on this band to get me through my moments of crippling self-doubt, my brushes with depression and my experiences with self-hatred and disappointment. Of course, there are other bands that have done similarly good things for me, and those bands mean the world to me as well. (I’m lucky enough to be seeing two of those bands — both reunited, in their own ways — this May.) But when it comes to MCR– I don’t have the words to express how grateful I am for the band’s music, or for the fact that this band existed for so long.

My opinions as to why the band is suddenly calling quits don’t belong in this blog post. I’m not sure they belong anywhere. All I can say, here, is that I hope the band split for the right reasons (though what those would be, I can’t imagine). And I hope that, like the hiatuses of so many other bands I’ve loved and mourned, this split won’t be forever. I count myself lucky to have gotten the opportunity to see them live, at one of my favorite venues, just two years ago. It was a dream come true; I couldn’t have asked for a better show.

I just hope that someday, I’ll get to see them again. MCR saved my life and now I have to say goodbye.

R.I.P., killjoys.

What a terrible fucking thing to have to write.

Saying goodbye to the band that saved my life

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